Riding Herd

Veggie Wars

Twelve months ago this intrepid reporter went undercover to investigate the “seedy” underbelly of the vegetarian movement. At great risk to myself, I might add. I dread to think what the veg-heads might have done to me had my real identity as a carnivorous cowboy been discovered. I visited carrot chat rooms, shopped at “Veggies for Less” and “Tofu Are Us” stores, and gagged down vegetarian lasagna, tofu turkey and eggplant meat loaf at vegetarian restaurants, just to bring you this exclusive story. What I found will shock and disgust you and after reading this in-depth exposé you’ll never look at granola, soy shakes or pumpkin seeds quite the same ever again.

There’s a gang war going on, my friends, amongst the cabals in the vegetarian community, and it’s getting ugly. Vegans are fighting mad at the pescatarians who claim to be vegetarians but eat sushi, salmon and other forms of shark bait. Vegetarians, meanwhile, are disgusted with semi-vegetarians and the “vegi-curious” who have not made a commitment to being anemic and having bean-breath for the rest of their lives. These fake vegetarians are bragging about being vegetarians while they munch on celery sticks at Hollywood parties, but then stop off at McDonalds or Burger King on the way home to chow down on Big Macs and Whoppers. I know because I staked out the houses of these liars and frauds, following them everywhere in my James Bond-like undercover ranch truck.

The lacto vegetarians, who claim to not eat eggs, have gone viral in belittling the ovo-vegetarians who say they don’t eat animal products but then drink cow’s milk. The ovo army, in retaliation, have posted photos of lactos who may not eat eggs but have been caught in the act of eating chicken instead of chickpeas. I have undercover photos of them eating chicken teriyaki in the secrecy of their own homes and found intact wishbones in their trash.

In my undercover assignment I was able to identify a growing number of disillusioned vegetarians who now call themselves “flexitarians”, claiming to mostly eat vegetables but chowing down on roast beef every chance they get. This is all part of a growing rebel faction called “steakatarians” who don’t work and don’t eat top sirloin simply because they can’t afford it. Although, given the cash and the opportunity, they’d be all over a filet mignon like a Pit Bull on the Easter bunny.

Casualties are mounting in this war which is being waged over bragging rights as to who is doing the most to save the world. The “passionate vegetarians” sympathize with the vegans, but eat meat on a regular basis and claim they are doing more to reduce their carbon footprint than “poser” vegetarians. These folks are living a lie by having “Got Tofu?” bumper stickers on their Priuses and Smart Cars which are filled with empty paper sacks from fast food joints. Your intrepid undercover agent secretly recorded several uppity vegans who admitted to eating cheese bagels and fried pork rinds, but they quickly added that they flagellate themselves and feel terrible afterwards; much like the feeling of indigestion they get from eating lentil omelets.

All these splinter groups have been one-upped by a new left-wing faction called the “fregans” who claim to be saving the world by dumpster diving and going through other people’s trash looking for their next meal. These folks are not homeless, or even poor, they just want to put the smug “raw vegans”, who don’t eat foods heated above 115 degrees, in their proper place. The one thing all these gangs have in common is a hatred of Angelina Jolie who claimed in the tabloids that a vegan diet almost killed her.

My brilliant investigative work clearly shows the need for an all-new Veggie Police Force to ensure vegetarians are all eating fake meat. Offenders should be imprisoned, forced to shower with the general prison population, and fed nothing but peanut butter quiche, Nutmeat® spaghetti and bean-and-banana casserole for the next 20 years.