Sale Barn Transactions

by Baxter Black

John B and I were discussing how hard it must be for an auctioneer to say somethin’ good about everything that walks through a sale barn ring. For the novice, we offer the following explanations for these rather ambiguous descriptions.

“AIN’T SHE THE MAMA KIND!” (If you ain’t got a good sortin’ alley or a horse and a long rope, you better not try and get close to her calf!)

“THESE STEERS WILL GROW IN THE NIGHT!” (You’ve never seen a pen of chronic bloaters?)

“WATCH THIS RING! THE NEXT CATTLE IN MIGHT BE YOURS!” (This is a handful of auctioneer buybacks that have been bunched together and are goin’ through a second or third time!)

“THESE ARE THE CATTLE YOU BEEN LOOKIN’ FOR!” (They slipped through your fence that first week and were raised by your neighbor!)

“SHE’S THE RIGHT KIND!” (Remember, that was your first impression of Donald Trump!)

“THEY’RE JUST LIKE MONEY IN YOUR POCKET!” (So, if you wanna keep it, leave it there!)

“MIGHTY SMOOTH!” (Mouthed!)

“DON’T PASS THIS ONE UP!” (She’s not gonna last much longer!)

“SHINY AS A NEW PENNY!” (Maybe with a little louse dip that hair will grow back!)

“I KNOW THAT CALF DON’T LOOK LIKE HIS MAMA, BUT IT’S HERS!” (I know ‘cause she lost her own and we gave her that one yesterday!)

“WOULD I STEER YOU WRONG!” (As fast as lighting leaves the sky!)

“A REAL HERD BUILDER!” (If you could ever get her settled!)

“THESE BABIES’LL TAKE RIGHT OFF!” (To the office lawn, the dead pile or parts unknown!)

“THEY’LL PUT YOU IN TALL COTTON!” (Scrub oak, seed corn or at the corner of 4th and Main, dependin’ how long it takes you to catch ‘em!)

“MAKE YA LOOK GOOD!” (And stupid!)

“HERE’S ONE TO DRAW TO!” (Now if you just had two rat-tailed BVD survivors, you’d have three of a kind!)

“SOLID MOUTHED AND FAT!” (Barren cows are always fat!)

“YOUR NAME’S ON THIS ONE!” (The by-products man must be in the crowd!)

“SHE’LL FIT RIGHT IN!” (The vet shack, the chronic pen or the dead wagon!)

“THESE HEIFERS’LL TURN YOUR MONEY GREEN!” (Yer face red, yer hair gray and yer banker blue!)

“THIS STEER’S GOT THE MAKIN’S’!” (of a real chronic!)

“YA DON’T SEE ‘EM LIKE THIS ANYMORE!” (Thank goodness! I thought dwarfism went out with smallpox!)