Cowists Amongus

by Barry Denton

On a recent trip to the San Diego Zoo I was told by a tour guide that it takes 1000 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. I asked the tour guide if he really believed that and he said he knew it was true.

I replied, “Can I see your research?” Of course, he gave me some whacko propaganda website to go to. My next question was how much water does it take to produce one pound of giraffe?

I have concluded that it would take at least three times as much water to produce a pound of giraffe as it has to run up hill so far. Keep in mind that the farther water has to travel the faster it breaks down. Want to see my research?

The trouble is that there are many folks that work for the government and they actually believe this stuff. You must realize that California is presently in a man-made drought of their own choosing and the government tells them it’s because of global warming.

If you keep repeating the same misinformation in many different venues people will actually start to believe it. I thought that zoo keepers would love all animals. Boy was I wrong! The ones I was around hated animals that were not African. What is this obsession with African animals lately?

Just in case you are wondering what a “cowist” is, that is a new word that I coined for “cow hater”. It seems if you are a regular white guy these days you are always being accused of hating something.

For instance, if you disagree with Al Sharpton, then you must hate all black folks. Therefore, you are labeled a racist. I am not sure why, but if you have the suffix of “ist” then you hate something. I am not quite sure what a physicist would hate, but we can figure that out later. Maybe he hates physiques?

Anyway, you get the gist of my definition. You must have a pretty boring life if all you can do is get up and hate cows in the morning. Remember cowists not only hate the cow for drinking water, but they also hate them for what comes out the other end.

I cannot say I am thrilled with what comes out the other end, but it does grow grass and flowers quite well. I also heard through the grapevine that cowists spend lots of time at their therapists because they have too much manure between the ears.

Just think about it, the cowist gets up in the morning and fears cows. Never mind fearing the forces of evil in the world such as terrorists, despots, the devil himself, and the increasing amount of stupidity in this country. If you do not think stupidity is increasing in this country, look who our elected officials in Washington are.

The only time I tend to be a cowist is when I am trying to doctor or brand a calf and mama cow is trying to run me down. At that moment I really hate cows.

How about the time that a calf was stuck part way out of a cow trying to give birth in a sleet storm? It is wet and freezing; the mama cow is down and bawling because she can’t get the calf out. Besides she is up on the side of a mountain under the thickest bush she could find.

I had to walk up there carrying ropes, medicine, and hobbles because it was too rocky for a horse to make it up there. Because it was so far in the back country where there are no roads I’m wondering if I’ll ever get back to civilization.

However, here we are and the calf has an elbow hooked inside mama. We finally get the calf out and the mother is completely exhausted and panting hard as the sleet is driving down. Pretty soon the calf “baas” and that hooky mother jumps up, snaps the lariat rope we had around her horns tied to the tree, and is coming after us at a run.

I did not have time to gather my things and was up a tree in a matter of seconds. I tried to come down, but as she was licking her calf she kept an eye on me. That is one point that I became a cowist. Have you ever tried hanging onto a juniper tree in a sleet storm?

The difference here is that I only hated one cow, not all of them. Eventually I climbed down and ran for my life. Luckily she did not want to get too far from her calf.

If you are a city slicker I think you would have to work very hard to hate cows as you know nothing about them. You do not even know their relatives so what would you base it on?

I guess the only source you have would be whichever propagandist appealed to you. Does that mean that you research the propagandists that you are interested in? What qualifies one to be a cowist propagandist? Do they have to be employees of the federal government? Are there cowist credentials that hang on the wall?

I guess what I really need to know is, what is an African giraffe’s yield when dressed out?         n